Kindness, self-care and self-compassion
The way society and the media talk about women and sexual violence can make you feel as though you are to blame for what happened to you, which can make you feel unkind to yourself. It is always the perpetrator who is to blame, not you. There are also lots of stories in the press and soaps telling stories about women putting other women down and telling us we are big-headed if we are kind to ourselves. We are told we are unattractive by the media so we may feel unattractive. We can think it isn’t worth caring for ourselves.
All this means that caring for ourselves is a way of rebelling against these negative messages. When you feel down, challenge it – care for yourself!
Kindness and compassion meditations can be a way of developing more positive, accepting and friendly feelings towards ourselves. Sometimes it might be difficult to find feelings of kindness. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel during a meditation. There are many different kindness practices. We have offer two here for you to try out.
Practise 1 – Connecting with a friend:
In this meditation we think of a friend or somebody that supports us or that we care about in some way. We think about what we appreciate about this person and we reflect that our friend will also appreciate us. We also reflect on what we have in common. We may be able to use this to help us to find a sense of kindness towards ourselves.
Posture and Grounding
Find a position that feels comfortable for you. You might find it helpful to close your eyes. This is entirely up to you. Ground yourself in whatever way feels right for you.
The Meditation
When you are ready, bring to mind a friend. Notice all of the things that you appreciate about your friend. You might recall their good qualities or something kind they have done for you. Notice how you feel when you think of your friend.
See if you can have a sense of kindness and well-wishing towards your friend. You might imagine them smiling at you. You might imagine them in a happy situation, such as sitting in the sunshine. You might say something to yourself like ‘may my friend be happy’.
Choose something that feels right for you.
When you are ready see if you can focus the same attention onto yourself. You might consider all the things your friend appreciates about you. Just as you wish happiness for your friend, you might consider that they will wish the same for you.
You might reflect on all the things you share in common with your friend. Your friend is a human being who experiences life’s ups and downs and wants to be happy. We are not that different!
You might imagine that your friend is smiling at you or saying kind words such as ‘may you be happy’.
Notice how you feel.
When you are ready, open your eyes if they have been closed, bring your attention to the room around you, and bring the meditation to a close.
Practise 2 – Self-compassion break:
The self-compassion break was created by Kristin Neff and can be used to be kinder to ourselves when we are feeling low. This meditation might be used when we are experiencing something difficult or challenging. It might not be helpful if you are in the middle of acute feelings or a panic attack. However you may choose to use the practice afterwards.
You might practise this meditation for the first time by bringing to mind something mildly challenging. For example, you might recall feeling a little anxious when your bus was running late, or you might remember a minor argument that has now been resolved. Don’t choose anything overwhelming, and if it feels too much just turn your attention back to your breathing, or anything else that helps you to feel grounded.
The meditation is divided into three sections:
- Awareness – we notice how we feel when we bring something difficult to mind.
- Shared humanity – we acknowledge that this is part of being human.
- Kindness – we wish ourselves well.
The words used in the meditation are just suggestions. Feel free to find phrases that feel right for you. If you find it helpful you may choose to write down your phrases and keep them with you to look at in times of difficulty.
Posture and Grounding
Find a posture that feels comfortable for you. You might find it helpful to close your eyes. This is entirely up to you. Ground yourself in whatever way feels right for you.
The Meditation
When you are ready, bring to mind something mildly difficult or challenging.
Awareness
Notice how it feels when you bring this difficulty to mind. See if you can focus on how you are feeling right now rather than on the story of the difficulty.
You might say something to yourself like: ‘This is unpleasant’ / ‘This feels difficult’
Shared Humanity
See if you can remind yourself that everybody experiences difficulties sometimes. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us! Painful and challenging experiences are part of being human. The details are different for everyone but the emotions we experience are universal. You might say something to yourself like: ‘This is part of being human’ / ‘Everyone feels like this sometimes.’
Kindness
See if you can approach yourself with kindness. You might try imagining that you are breathing in golden light or sunshine. You might try speaking to yourself as you would speak to a close friend.
You might say something to yourself like: ‘It’s ok’ / ‘I am like a friend to myself’
Ending
When you are ready, let go of the practice. You might notice your breath, or the sounds of the room. And if your eyes are closed, you can open them and bring the meditation to a close
Other Mindful Practises
Not all exercises are right for everyone at all times. You may need to try a few before you find one that works for you. The buttons below will take you to other mindful practises that you may find helpful.
